The Five Second Rule of Life

My Dad died February 24th, 2014- 2 days before his 73rd birthday and 68 days after his cancer was deemed terminal. This is not about all the horrific details of his illness and the end of his life. I live with that every day in my head- no need to put it into print. If you have ever been through the slow demise of a loved one from an illness- you know too much already and I am sorry. If you haven’t- I hope you never know. This is about how much I learned about life in the face of death. I hope in sharing, maybe you can have a  field guide of sorts from my point of view.

My Dad lived in northern Indiana; I live in metro Atlanta. His wife called December 19th, 2013- one week before Christmas- to tell me the results of the doctor’s visit. Last report was that 80% of the main tumor that was discovered in July was gone, so we had high hopes this lingering 20% was just a blip on the radar. He had beat cancer in 2001 and had 12 years free, clear and good health- so why wouldn’t it be? You develop a false sense of security when one beats the odds like he did. Unfortunately in this situation, when cancer comes calling for a repeat rendezvous, it is going to take what it came for initially.

“The results are back and it’s not good- it’s terminal. Your Dad has 9-12 months without treatment, 14-16 with.” Just like a passage in a book would describe (that I always thought was so dramatic until I experienced it) – it felt like that phone to my ear sucked all the air out of the room and I couldn’t breathe. I get it now. It’s amazing how the finality and reality of simple words can shatter your brain and heart into a zillon pieces instantly.

Talk about your mind going into overdrive. First, the distance- 650 miles away. I couldn’t just stop by after work, to check in, hang out on the weekends, run errands, etc. Nothing I could do on the daily to help them. Should I go up there now? Should I take a month off and stay? Play it by ear? Wait and see? We’ve got 16 months tops, gotta be sensible, gotta plan, gotta figure this out. OH MY GOD MY DAD IS GOING TO DIE NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR DON’T DO. Boom.

So again…it was the week before Christmas. I didn’t want to tell my 13 year old son the deal until after Christmas- I didn’t want him to worry or be upset. But I did tell him that on the 26th, we were going on a road trip to visit Grandpa since it had been awhile. With my brain staying in overdrive, I was making my best attempt to Clark Griswold the situation by being the jolliest asshole this side of the nuthouse. I was failing miserably, but trying for the Oscar. I had shopping to finish, motions to go through, so on and so forth. I was in a store one evening, and when I went to check out, the cashier was so rude and hateful. I hadn’t done anything other than walk up, set my stuff down and say “Hello”. I mean, mumbling, slamming stuff into bags, etc. I thought to myself “MY GOD, LADY- if you had ANY IDEA what I had going on in my life right now, you would probably be a little nicer to me. Kind and compassionate even!”

*the light bulb went off*

Sometimes, you have to be smack-dab in the middle of your own hell to fully understand this.

I didn’t have a flashing neon sign above my head saying “CAUTION- FATHER IS DYING. EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD- HANDLE WITH CARE.” Nope. There was nothing about me on sight that would warrant preferential treatment. She had no idea what was going on with me, just as I had no idea what was going on with her. Maybe she was tired, hungry, had holiday stress, family issues, etc.; or maybe she was just an ass honest. But how were we, complete strangers, to know anything about the other during our brief interaction? Why would she be more kind to me than usual and why should I not take her behavior personally? Why would/should either of us invest a vast amount of time trying to get to the depths of each other’s psyche for a 1-5 minute interaction?

December 26th, 2013

Do you follow the five-second rule with food? You know, you drop some food on the floor and you have five seconds to grab it up, blow any dust/dirt off it and eat it like nothing happened? I know I’m not alone in this. I hope. Anyway, when I left the store that night, I pondered what had just happened, and decided that from then until the end of my days, I would follow the Five Second Rule of Life. Meaning- in the brief interaction we have with strangers, it is not fair or right to treat people poorly based on your personal/emotional situation. In turn, there is no reason to feel bad and let it linger on you if someone treats you poorly when you did nothing to deserve it. Very simply? Don’t hand your baggage off to someone that doesn’t share your itinerary, and don’t take someone’s baggage with you just because they thrust it at you, handle first.

That 68 day span that was the ending of my Dad’s life was spent going a thousand different directions mentally & physically. I went to work because I had to- not just to make a house note, but to maintain normalcy in between travel and the reality of it all. I spent a lot of time in planes, trains, automobiles, airports, car rental counters, hotels, truck stops, restaurants, hospitals, etc. and in the end? The funeral home and cemetery. All of these situations involved people. Complete strangers that may/may not have to interact with each other. I tried my best to not just be my usual self that is nice, but to step it up a notch- to smile more. Be kind and engaged in the moment. To not just say thank you, but to make sure I communicated my graciousness. The bulk of my thank you’s were (are) extremely sincere and had nothing to do with the situation- it was more of “Thank you for being kind & decent to me when I need it most”. I wasn’t trying to fake or force anything- I simply wanted to be a better person to whoever I was dealing with. Maybe they needed someone to be kind & decent to them, too. I wanted to maintain a constant reminder that someone else’s behavior towards me most likely had nothing to do with me, and that we can’t control how people treat us, but we are in absolute control of how we feel because of it.

One weekend that I was in Indiana, Dad was in the hospital and I was staying with him. I stepped out for a breather and to get a snack at the convenience store down the street from the hospital. If you lived anywhere in the US during the winter of 2013/’14, you KNOW it was brutal everywhere, even for the typically warmer-climate states. The snow had stopped for a minute (after dumping a good 5” in the course of the day), but the roads were a mess and it was -4 degrees just to set it all off to miserable, frozen perfection. When I came out of the store, there was a man with a snowplow on his pickup parked next to me. Unfortunately for him, I decided I wanted to have a conversation with someone completely separated from the situation at hand. Plus, it had been ages since I lived anywhere that snowplows stored during the summer are as common as swimsuits stored during the winter. So, I began babbling about the plow and snow and bless him, he played along and talked right back. We talked about how much work he had done this winter, how Atlanta shuts down in this weather, etc. He had to get back out to try and clear the roads as much as possible before the next round of snow showed up, so he says to me as we’re parting ways, “You know, you must be one of those people that are just happy all the time. You got a beautiful smile, and you been smiling the whole time we been talkin’- when your teeth ain’t been chattering.” I thought to myself, “MY GOD, MAN- if you had ANY IDEA what I had going on in my life right now, you would know how much saying that means to me; that I get it. That it shows in my actions. And that I’m going to be alright.”

I just smiled and said “Well, thank you. I guess I am one of ‘those’ people. I have lots of reasons to be.”

February 15th, 2014
I had brought my boyfriend, Donavan, with me this trip- I knew time was getting short, and I wanted him to get to meet my Dad before it was too late. I asked him to take a picture of us. I didn’t know he got the bottom pic. Sweet friends printed and framed it for me. I will treasure this picture/moment/memory until the day I die, and I am forever grateful to Donavan for freezing time for me by capturing this.

Now don’t get it twisted- it’s not that I became the embodiment of a love child between Mother Teresa and the Dalai Lama. Oh no. I’m still a flawed human that can rage and be a jackass with the best of them. What I am saying is that I became hyper-aware of time. The time you have in life does not deserve to be wasted by being miserable or dwelling on the misery that someone pie’d you in the face with. There were times when I did drop my basket from the sheer weight of it all, and it was around people in the know of what was going on. Not that it made it okay for me to act a donkey, but at least they knew it wasn’t about them.

There were also a few beautiful and harsh realizations during those 68 days and all the days after. As in, there’s an old saying of “Truer things are spoken in drunkenness and jest.” That should be upgraded to “Truer things are spoken in drunkenness, jest and death.” My Dad told me a lot of things I’d have never known, and I told him the same. Things that may not have ever been said so openly and easily had we not been painfully aware of how limited his days were to be able to do so. There were people that came out of nowhere/everywhere, unexpected people, on a daily basis (to this day, still!) that extended a kind word or gesture to me and my family, to let us know they were thinking of us and so sorry for our loss. Then….there were also people during Dad’s gloaming, death and after that were awful. I should say behaved awful, maybe they aren’t genuinely awful people, but they have certainly made it difficult to separate the behavior from the person going forward. People who were in the same boat of loss, sailing down the same river of grief. At a time when everyone should be paddling together to get through, they opted for sledgehammers to bust holes wide open to upend what they could amongst one another. Everyone experiences grief and loss differently- there are no rules. However, it is also not a contest. When that loved one dies, no matter how you are associated with them, guess what? NOBODY WINS. Except death- death wins every time. That person is gone. The beauty is that the people left behind can share that person’s life together- memories, stories, pictures, etc., to try and help ease the hurt their absence creates. But when people choose to lash out for whatever reason and alienate those around them that could really be beneficial to them? You’re on your own. To sink. I’ve always tried to be a big dog and stay on the porch- this circumstance was no different. I tolerated way more growling than I would on a normal basis, simply because of the situation. But….when growled at too many times, trust and believe that I not only barked back, but bit. Several times. I haven’t been anyone’s doormat for a very, VERY long time and was not about to be one for anyone during/after this because I was convenient. Nope. I also realized you could apply the Five Second Rule of Life anywhere, stranger or not- the only thing I did to warrant poor behavior was to be present, therefore, I’m not going to carry this with me any longer. I have been hurt, pissed-off, sad, shocked, etc. for a while over many things. Then, I realized…. “Oh hey- no. No, no, no. Nope. You don’t have to feel that way over this. NONE of any of this has been about you- it’s about them and whatever burden they are carrying that they are trying to unload where it doesn’t belong. Set it down and walk away, Lisa. Remember- it was never yours to begin with.”

And I have.

March 1st, 2014
Yes, I took pictures at my Dad’s funeral. Yes, I am glad I did and have them to remember how honorable that ceremony was. No, it’s not up for debate if anyone thinks I was wrong or right in doing so.

I like to think that all that transpired in 68 oh-so-short days were the last lessons my Dad had for me- that you may be struggling through the worst time of your life, but there is always something good. You’ll always have enough good to share as long as you are aware and willing to embrace the good you have. Don’t give someone what nobody needs and don’t take what was never intended for you that nobody wants. There were also multiple reiterations of another life-lesson he instilled in me long ago- “Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit and don’t take no shit from anybody.” A whole lot of that lesson right there.

SJB
2/26/41-2/24/14
US Navy 1958-1979

Dad wasn’t a perfect man- he had many attacks of the dumbass (his most-used saying long before Red Foreman came about) during his years. He said/did hurtful things, made bad decisions and poor choices. Just like every other person in existence does in their lifetime. But, he did more right than wrong. Hence why my memories and conversations concerning him are of the good- who he was, things he did- his kindness, compassion, sense of humor & wit, always ready to help anyone with no expectations of it ever being returned, his love for this Country and his pride for being able to serve it 21 years in the US Navy. Anyone that knew him would tell you he was a great man (even without him being around to slip them a $20 for their words). He is missed so much by so many, but left a legacy of love and respect that anyone would be proud of.

Dad may have loved me since I was born, but I loved him my whole life.

Rest in peace, Dad. Because you KNOW when I meet up with you again, there won’t be much rest nor peace. Also know this- I remember your good. You had so much and always shared. Even when the dumbasses out there make it really hard, I am trying to do/to be your good.

Every day. ❤

One of Dad’s favorite songs. He was a helluva Pip to my Gladys.