The Five Second Rule of Life

My Dad died February 24th, 2014- 2 days before his 73rd birthday and 68 days after his cancer was deemed terminal. This is not about all the horrific details of his illness and the end of his life. I live with that every day in my head- no need to put it into print. If you have ever been through the slow demise of a loved one from an illness- you know too much already and I am sorry. If you haven’t- I hope you never know. This is about how much I learned about life in the face of death. I hope in sharing, maybe you can have a  field guide of sorts from my point of view.

My Dad lived in northern Indiana; I live in metro Atlanta. His wife called December 19th, 2013- one week before Christmas- to tell me the results of the doctor’s visit. Last report was that 80% of the main tumor that was discovered in July was gone, so we had high hopes this lingering 20% was just a blip on the radar. He had beat cancer in 2001 and had 12 years free, clear and good health- so why wouldn’t it be? You develop a false sense of security when one beats the odds like he did. Unfortunately in this situation, when cancer comes calling for a repeat rendezvous, it is going to take what it came for initially.

“The results are back and it’s not good- it’s terminal. Your Dad has 9-12 months without treatment, 14-16 with.” Just like a passage in a book would describe (that I always thought was so dramatic until I experienced it) – it felt like that phone to my ear sucked all the air out of the room and I couldn’t breathe. I get it now. It’s amazing how the finality and reality of simple words can shatter your brain and heart into a zillon pieces instantly.

Talk about your mind going into overdrive. First, the distance- 650 miles away. I couldn’t just stop by after work, to check in, hang out on the weekends, run errands, etc. Nothing I could do on the daily to help them. Should I go up there now? Should I take a month off and stay? Play it by ear? Wait and see? We’ve got 16 months tops, gotta be sensible, gotta plan, gotta figure this out. OH MY GOD MY DAD IS GOING TO DIE NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR DON’T DO. Boom.

So again…it was the week before Christmas. I didn’t want to tell my 13 year old son the deal until after Christmas- I didn’t want him to worry or be upset. But I did tell him that on the 26th, we were going on a road trip to visit Grandpa since it had been awhile. With my brain staying in overdrive, I was making my best attempt to Clark Griswold the situation by being the jolliest asshole this side of the nuthouse. I was failing miserably, but trying for the Oscar. I had shopping to finish, motions to go through, so on and so forth. I was in a store one evening, and when I went to check out, the cashier was so rude and hateful. I hadn’t done anything other than walk up, set my stuff down and say “Hello”. I mean, mumbling, slamming stuff into bags, etc. I thought to myself “MY GOD, LADY- if you had ANY IDEA what I had going on in my life right now, you would probably be a little nicer to me. Kind and compassionate even!”

*the light bulb went off*

Sometimes, you have to be smack-dab in the middle of your own hell to fully understand this.

I didn’t have a flashing neon sign above my head saying “CAUTION- FATHER IS DYING. EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD- HANDLE WITH CARE.” Nope. There was nothing about me on sight that would warrant preferential treatment. She had no idea what was going on with me, just as I had no idea what was going on with her. Maybe she was tired, hungry, had holiday stress, family issues, etc.; or maybe she was just an ass honest. But how were we, complete strangers, to know anything about the other during our brief interaction? Why would she be more kind to me than usual and why should I not take her behavior personally? Why would/should either of us invest a vast amount of time trying to get to the depths of each other’s psyche for a 1-5 minute interaction?

December 26th, 2013

Do you follow the five-second rule with food? You know, you drop some food on the floor and you have five seconds to grab it up, blow any dust/dirt off it and eat it like nothing happened? I know I’m not alone in this. I hope. Anyway, when I left the store that night, I pondered what had just happened, and decided that from then until the end of my days, I would follow the Five Second Rule of Life. Meaning- in the brief interaction we have with strangers, it is not fair or right to treat people poorly based on your personal/emotional situation. In turn, there is no reason to feel bad and let it linger on you if someone treats you poorly when you did nothing to deserve it. Very simply? Don’t hand your baggage off to someone that doesn’t share your itinerary, and don’t take someone’s baggage with you just because they thrust it at you, handle first.

That 68 day span that was the ending of my Dad’s life was spent going a thousand different directions mentally & physically. I went to work because I had to- not just to make a house note, but to maintain normalcy in between travel and the reality of it all. I spent a lot of time in planes, trains, automobiles, airports, car rental counters, hotels, truck stops, restaurants, hospitals, etc. and in the end? The funeral home and cemetery. All of these situations involved people. Complete strangers that may/may not have to interact with each other. I tried my best to not just be my usual self that is nice, but to step it up a notch- to smile more. Be kind and engaged in the moment. To not just say thank you, but to make sure I communicated my graciousness. The bulk of my thank you’s were (are) extremely sincere and had nothing to do with the situation- it was more of “Thank you for being kind & decent to me when I need it most”. I wasn’t trying to fake or force anything- I simply wanted to be a better person to whoever I was dealing with. Maybe they needed someone to be kind & decent to them, too. I wanted to maintain a constant reminder that someone else’s behavior towards me most likely had nothing to do with me, and that we can’t control how people treat us, but we are in absolute control of how we feel because of it.

One weekend that I was in Indiana, Dad was in the hospital and I was staying with him. I stepped out for a breather and to get a snack at the convenience store down the street from the hospital. If you lived anywhere in the US during the winter of 2013/’14, you KNOW it was brutal everywhere, even for the typically warmer-climate states. The snow had stopped for a minute (after dumping a good 5” in the course of the day), but the roads were a mess and it was -4 degrees just to set it all off to miserable, frozen perfection. When I came out of the store, there was a man with a snowplow on his pickup parked next to me. Unfortunately for him, I decided I wanted to have a conversation with someone completely separated from the situation at hand. Plus, it had been ages since I lived anywhere that snowplows stored during the summer are as common as swimsuits stored during the winter. So, I began babbling about the plow and snow and bless him, he played along and talked right back. We talked about how much work he had done this winter, how Atlanta shuts down in this weather, etc. He had to get back out to try and clear the roads as much as possible before the next round of snow showed up, so he says to me as we’re parting ways, “You know, you must be one of those people that are just happy all the time. You got a beautiful smile, and you been smiling the whole time we been talkin’- when your teeth ain’t been chattering.” I thought to myself, “MY GOD, MAN- if you had ANY IDEA what I had going on in my life right now, you would know how much saying that means to me; that I get it. That it shows in my actions. And that I’m going to be alright.”

I just smiled and said “Well, thank you. I guess I am one of ‘those’ people. I have lots of reasons to be.”

February 15th, 2014
I had brought my boyfriend, Donavan, with me this trip- I knew time was getting short, and I wanted him to get to meet my Dad before it was too late. I asked him to take a picture of us. I didn’t know he got the bottom pic. Sweet friends printed and framed it for me. I will treasure this picture/moment/memory until the day I die, and I am forever grateful to Donavan for freezing time for me by capturing this.

Now don’t get it twisted- it’s not that I became the embodiment of a love child between Mother Teresa and the Dalai Lama. Oh no. I’m still a flawed human that can rage and be a jackass with the best of them. What I am saying is that I became hyper-aware of time. The time you have in life does not deserve to be wasted by being miserable or dwelling on the misery that someone pie’d you in the face with. There were times when I did drop my basket from the sheer weight of it all, and it was around people in the know of what was going on. Not that it made it okay for me to act a donkey, but at least they knew it wasn’t about them.

There were also a few beautiful and harsh realizations during those 68 days and all the days after. As in, there’s an old saying of “Truer things are spoken in drunkenness and jest.” That should be upgraded to “Truer things are spoken in drunkenness, jest and death.” My Dad told me a lot of things I’d have never known, and I told him the same. Things that may not have ever been said so openly and easily had we not been painfully aware of how limited his days were to be able to do so. There were people that came out of nowhere/everywhere, unexpected people, on a daily basis (to this day, still!) that extended a kind word or gesture to me and my family, to let us know they were thinking of us and so sorry for our loss. Then….there were also people during Dad’s gloaming, death and after that were awful. I should say behaved awful, maybe they aren’t genuinely awful people, but they have certainly made it difficult to separate the behavior from the person going forward. People who were in the same boat of loss, sailing down the same river of grief. At a time when everyone should be paddling together to get through, they opted for sledgehammers to bust holes wide open to upend what they could amongst one another. Everyone experiences grief and loss differently- there are no rules. However, it is also not a contest. When that loved one dies, no matter how you are associated with them, guess what? NOBODY WINS. Except death- death wins every time. That person is gone. The beauty is that the people left behind can share that person’s life together- memories, stories, pictures, etc., to try and help ease the hurt their absence creates. But when people choose to lash out for whatever reason and alienate those around them that could really be beneficial to them? You’re on your own. To sink. I’ve always tried to be a big dog and stay on the porch- this circumstance was no different. I tolerated way more growling than I would on a normal basis, simply because of the situation. But….when growled at too many times, trust and believe that I not only barked back, but bit. Several times. I haven’t been anyone’s doormat for a very, VERY long time and was not about to be one for anyone during/after this because I was convenient. Nope. I also realized you could apply the Five Second Rule of Life anywhere, stranger or not- the only thing I did to warrant poor behavior was to be present, therefore, I’m not going to carry this with me any longer. I have been hurt, pissed-off, sad, shocked, etc. for a while over many things. Then, I realized…. “Oh hey- no. No, no, no. Nope. You don’t have to feel that way over this. NONE of any of this has been about you- it’s about them and whatever burden they are carrying that they are trying to unload where it doesn’t belong. Set it down and walk away, Lisa. Remember- it was never yours to begin with.”

And I have.

March 1st, 2014
Yes, I took pictures at my Dad’s funeral. Yes, I am glad I did and have them to remember how honorable that ceremony was. No, it’s not up for debate if anyone thinks I was wrong or right in doing so.

I like to think that all that transpired in 68 oh-so-short days were the last lessons my Dad had for me- that you may be struggling through the worst time of your life, but there is always something good. You’ll always have enough good to share as long as you are aware and willing to embrace the good you have. Don’t give someone what nobody needs and don’t take what was never intended for you that nobody wants. There were also multiple reiterations of another life-lesson he instilled in me long ago- “Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit and don’t take no shit from anybody.” A whole lot of that lesson right there.

SJB
2/26/41-2/24/14
US Navy 1958-1979

Dad wasn’t a perfect man- he had many attacks of the dumbass (his most-used saying long before Red Foreman came about) during his years. He said/did hurtful things, made bad decisions and poor choices. Just like every other person in existence does in their lifetime. But, he did more right than wrong. Hence why my memories and conversations concerning him are of the good- who he was, things he did- his kindness, compassion, sense of humor & wit, always ready to help anyone with no expectations of it ever being returned, his love for this Country and his pride for being able to serve it 21 years in the US Navy. Anyone that knew him would tell you he was a great man (even without him being around to slip them a $20 for their words). He is missed so much by so many, but left a legacy of love and respect that anyone would be proud of.

Dad may have loved me since I was born, but I loved him my whole life.

Rest in peace, Dad. Because you KNOW when I meet up with you again, there won’t be much rest nor peace. Also know this- I remember your good. You had so much and always shared. Even when the dumbasses out there make it really hard, I am trying to do/to be your good.

Every day. ❤

One of Dad’s favorite songs. He was a helluva Pip to my Gladys.

 

 

 

Wear Sunscreen and Other Absolute Truths

I have Sirius Satellite radio in my car. One of the many reasons I love it is for the random stuff they’ll play out of nowhere that’ll jog your memory and most times, make you smile. I had one of those moments on the way home tonight when I heard Baz Luhrmann’s ‘Everybody’s Free To Wear Sunscreen’. It made me remember that my BFF Lola gave this to me in print in a teeny book when I was pregnant as a gift for Ethan. I remember thinking how true it was then, and then hearing it today, how ABSOLUTELY true it is. I put the book in Ethan’s memory box so I can give it to him for a graduation gift. Baz put it to music, but the original was written by Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune. Here is the link to the article, but I also added it below as well. 

I think the reason I enjoy this so much is it must have stuck in my subconscious and I have tried to follow it. Especially the sunscreen. So thanks, Mary, Baz & Lola- I got it. I get it.

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young

Mary Schmich

June 1, 1997

Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who’d rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there’s no reason we can’t entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97:

Wear sunscreen.If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Copyright © 2013 Chicago Tribune Company, LLC

Us vs. Them

I get an hour for lunch and sometimes, it’s more important for me to get words out than to shovel food in. Missing a meal is not the worst thing that could happen to me, I assure you. Anyway…..My dear friend Seth posted this as his status on Facebook this morning:

“Just a thought: There are far more good, kind, thoughtful, peaceful, sympathetic, and empathetic people around you than there are thugs, thieves, killers, or predators. The very few do make it hard for the very many. The news will not report your good deeds, but by all means, keep doing them. Have a great day folks.”

Ever since I read this, my brain has been on overdrive because it is so simple and so true- there are way more of Us than there are of Them. But why do we only hear about Them? Why should anyone be a good & decent person to never once have a moment in the sun because of the perpetual black cloud of the ones that clog our news outlets?

I’m a firm believer that the world is not any worse today than it was 20-50-100 years ago. Sure, the population has grown and makes more crime happen.  But in my opinion, the only thing that has really changed is that we are just now more aware. TECHNOLOGY! We live in an age where whether something happens in a mud hut or a 50 story posh penthouse, the world can be alerted of it in a nanosecond. The written word that used to take 2-4 weeks via airmail to travel around the globe is now a typed message via email or text message and is delivered before you can say “Whoa, that was FAST!”  Internet & cell phones have brought the world together and are slowly tearing us apart. Don’t get me wrong- I love all my technology and gadgets- I LOVE being able to communicate with people in the blink of an eye without the time or expense of a phone call. What I don’t love is how much of the information thrown at us mimics a portal of Hell because of the bulk of what is being given top priority is Bad News.

Back when newspapers were THE top form of mass communication, do you think the newsboys shouted on street corners “EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT!! Good Samaritan adopts litter of puppies just because it was the right thing to do!” No. Headlines of crime, death & tragedy sold papers.  Bad News. To this day, the media has never stopped milking the cash cow of human despair, ESPECIALLY stories of human vs. human.  Any of your media outlets are all OVER any type of crime, posting it on the Internet whether they have even confirmed details, just to be the first. How sad to know that your drive 24/7 is to be the first to relay to the masses the story of another person’s heartache?

The relentless reporting of Bad News can change people. People begin to believe everything is bad. Certain people, places and things- all bad. Bad News. This in turn makes people feel bad. Annnnd I also believe can make people start to behave poorly. Because why bother? Have you seen the news? It’s a world gone mad. Who cares? What difference does it make anyway? I can honestly say I have thought this before. Guilty.

But….what about the Good News? People being good, kind and decent to one another? How many of those stories do you hear? How much news do you see that makes you feel good and adds to your faith in humanity?  For me, I hear Good News when people share links on Facebook. Nothing good never just blasts its way through to headline news.  Oh no, I have to weed through all the awful to see a tiny blurb of hope. Don’t misunderstand me that somehow, I want to live in a world with blinders and have flowers and glitter blown directly up my ass on a daily basis. No, I’m not stupid. But why the constant focus on all things horrible? Why can’t there be balance? I do believe that there are way more of Us than there are of Them, but the Us actions are usually smaller and more subtle, yet affect the world greatly. The actions of Them also affect the world greatly, and sells Bad News. Dollar bills for your dirty laundry, eh?

What to do, what to do….

As Seth said here, “There are far more good, kind, thoughtful, peaceful, sympathetic, and empathetic people around you than there are thugs, thieves, killers, or predators.” This is true. You just have to be able to see these good, kind, thoughtful, peaceful, sympathetic, and empathetic  people. You need to BE these good, kind, thoughtful, peaceful, sympathetic, and empathetic people. Pay attention to the people around you at home, work, where you shop, go to school, etc.- that is your immediate world. Be proactive in it. Good radiates and begs for good in turn. Good is free. You don’t have to have money or things to be good and kind. No matter how broke you are, everyone can afford to pay a compliment or extend the credit of a kind gesture. In a world where we are pummeled with Bad News- create your own Good News. There is SO MUCH good in the world if you choose to see it, believe it, be it and share it.

If you are reading this- GOOD NEWS!! You woke up today! YAY YOU!! I’ll bet you are also socially networked in some way, too- what are you going to do with that? Don’t be a Debbie/Donny Downer.  I see people who post NON-STOP about all the problems they have. Why? We all gots problems. If you have time to bitch about your problems via social media, then you have time to start making changes in your life to improve them.  What a concept, eh? I also see people that post non-stop positivity and I wonder how, when I know they are on the verge of losing everything they have or how they are a slave to medications to control an illness in hopes they get to live another day.  The difference here is perception. PERCEPTION, PEOPLE. What do you choose to see, to be, to live?

My life is not perfect, but I live a charmed one because I believe in the power of the greater good. Call me a fool, but I do. Most people are kind, decent, helpful, caring and genuine. I try to be the person I want to interact with. Some people are just awful- be kind anyway. Don’t let another person’s behavior take away from who you are. Do nice things, not for self-gratification, but because it’s the right thing to do. Just like the song says- teach your children well- lead the way. Be an example to others. Open both your eyes- don’t a turn a blind, bitter one to the world.

I’ve blathered on enough here. Blame Seth. But I will say one last thing- Seth-O….it’s damn good to be one of Us. Thank you for being you. Let’s shut the world off and go have a beer, shall we? We’ll make some Good News or the police report. Or both if we do this right. *cheers!*

Be good and do good, kids. Team Us. Join it.

I Look Great Naked.

A very strange thing happened today. As in, rocked my head and made me say ‘WHAT?”

My friend Anna said on Facebook that she needed to go clothes shopping because all her summer stuff from last year was too big for her. Then, she said this:

 “I look great naked. I just have no clue how to dress myself. I would welcome any fashion advice.”

Wait…what….WHAT?? WHAT DID SHE SAY?? Never, EVER, in all my 40 years of being a woman and being around women have I EVER heard one say this. Not bragging, not boasting, just matter-of-factly “I look great naked.”

Is this even allowed?!

From a very young age (Oh, like, conception), girls are taught that their worth is based on how they look. If you don’t fit the mold society has created, well, sucks to be you, prepare to suffer the wrath. If you’re fat, skinny, tall, short, have bad skin, bad teeth, bad hair, blah, blah, blah, well, you’re just not okay. You should be doing something to “fix” yourself.

Let me tell you a little something…everyone has room for improvement, but it’s society that needs fixed. The constant barrage of negativity from the media coupled with people who feel they need to let you know what they think of you and your looks is a very toxic combination. To the point where mentally, we ladies are prepped to not be worthy. Self-defense mode. Example: When someone pays you a compliment on your looks, clothes, accomplishments, etc., do you, better yet, are you ABLE, to just smile and say “Thank you” and feel good about someone noticing? Or do you feel the need to rattle off 5 things that are negative about what was just said to you before you are polite and say thank you, just because you’re supposed to?

See….something is very wrong here. And it ain’t me or you, sister.

If you need to lose 10, 20, 200lbs., if you need to gain weight, if you need braces, dentures, glasses, contacts, hair curled, hair straightened, clear skin, etc., so on, so forth, all the things we think we need to have/do to make ourselves happy- knock yourself out to achieve them. For YOU. Not because somebody said you should, not because you think life will be easier/better if you are “fixed”, but because you want those things to feel good about YOU. You can make all the changes in the world to your physical self, but if you don’t get your mental self in check, none of it will matter. Trust me on this. Also- until you improve the things that you think need improved, it’s okay to like yourself, right now. WHAT? Oh yeah, I just said that. IT’S OKAY TO LIKE YOURSELF, RIGHT NOW, NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE OR WHAT ALL IS “WRONG’ WITH YOU. Hell, it’s okay to LOVE yourself even. What-the-what, now I’m talking crazy, I know. Seriously- the first step to mentally surviving this superficial world we live in is to get to know you and realize that you are just fine, flaws and all. Once you get that going in your head, you can do ANYTHING. You’ll find that many of your flaws aren’t even worth acknowledging or were never even flaws to begin with.

I took a shower tonight after exercising, and I was looking at myself naked in the mirror. Brace yourself- sexy talk is coming:  I’m 5’ tall and weigh 175lbs. I’m 40 years old. I was looking at all the stretch marks, saggy boobs, mushy gut, lumpy thighs, flappy arms, etc. I thought to myself “Hmmmph. I look great naked.” Maybe not to anyone else and DEFINITELY not to the media/Hollywood standards, but this here body has gotten me through these forty years wonderfully- it’s been broken in 3 places, stitched up in several, and grew a baby in it. It’s been able to walk me around in so many cities and taken me to another country. I’ve had the wind in my hair, sun on my face. I’ve walked, ran, climbed, sat, felt, laughed, loved, ate, cried, puked, smiled (I could go on for days) etc., all in this here body I have.  I’m hoping it holds out for me another 40 years or so. No, I’m not going to wear a bikini or suddenly build a wardrobe of spandex mini-dresses. But what I am going to do is stay focused on being healthier than I was yesterday and happier than I ever thought I was allowed. Everything else will follow that lead, as it has been doing and proving me right.

So, thanks, Anna. I may not truly have a body that looks great naked, but to me, it’s pretty awesome. Time I realized that. I hope you can fill your closet as wonderfully as you filled my head today.

Here ya go. Picture THIS naked. Oh yeah. You know you want to. I think it looks great.

Grateful Grows, You Know.

I am not an emotional person. I maintain an even keel 99 & 44/100% of the time. By emotional, I mean typical weepy-girl-type emotes and all that. Every now & again, something cracks on through and makes me ugly-cry even if I’m happy, but still. I keep myself together just because weepy is not me.

However….

Every spring, I feel like I’m 3 months pregnant or having a sorority house full of synced PMS. Why do I go nuts, you ask?

I bought a house 4 years ago in May. First time buyer, did it all by myself. You know, like adults do when they are supposed to be grown and all that. I was TERRIFIED. Buying a house is NOT like buying shampoo- if you hate it after a couple weeks having it, well, it sucks to be you for the next 30 years. A friend that I worked with years ago is a mortgage man- I called on him. In the scheme of things since the last time we talked, his wife had become a real estate agent, so it was the perfect dynamic duo to make this happen for me. I was extra proud of me for not throwing up on anyone during the whole process, especially at the closing table as I signed my life away.

It’s said a house isn’t home until you make it one. My house was a home before the ink even dried on the 1,684 pieces of paper it took for it to be deemed mine. I had SO MANY FRIENDS that were on board- they helped me move, paint, gave me things for my house, repaired/installed things, etc. I could detail for days because I remember everything like it just happened. All these people put their lives on hold to make a new life for me and my wee familia. A friend of mine that helped with a lot of things has since died. It gives me nice memories to see the things he did and remember when he was here helping out. Since then, I have called on several folks for things I’ve needed help with and BAM- they are right there. From a broken pipe, electrical fun, erosion fixes, etc. Just right here, when I needed them.

Springtime Emotionfest…..I LOVE to garden- mainly flowers, but this will be my second year with vegetables. Every year when I get out in my yard and start cleaning/prepping things, I am reminded again of how loved I am. So many friends have given me plants- new plants and cuttings from their plants that I have been able to grow. They come back bigger and better every year. I can literally walk around my house and point out who gave me what and WOW look at it now. They have grown to a point where I can now share them with others, too. I’ve also been given neat yard/house stuff that makes me smile daily. Things that people knew I would love, and they are so right.

My life is so FULL of people that love and care about me and my family. Like a garden, every year it grows and spreads. Spring is always my reminder of how grateful and lucky I am with the life I have and the people I have in it. I am so blessed that in my life garden, I have way more blooms than weeds, and every year, I sow a little more beauty into it.  I don’t have to stop and smell the roses- I roll around in them daily like a dog on a dead animal. Truth. I hope all of you have well tended gardens. If not, get to weeding and start growing your own happiness- you’re the only one that can tend that garden.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wander about my yard, ugly-cry and point everything out to myself again. For the 78^th time in the last 2 days.

See this? Growing in my yard. I didn’t pick it- just gonna stay lucky and hope it keeps growing, too.

 

Christmas Wine-ing

I went to visit some friends on Christmas Eve. Bud is one that no matter what you say, he is still going to do exactly what he wants to do. Thank God he’s not a hairdresser.

Bud: Lisa, you want a drink? A toddy? A beer? I have this wine you should try.

Lisa: Oh, no thanks, I can’t drink wine.

Torey, Bud’s Grandaughter: I’ll have a glass, Lisa can taste mine.

Bud leaves, comes back with 2 glasses- one for me, one for Torey. Dammit.

I drank the one glass and no joke, it was good. One glass was enough for me to say impending migraine be DAMNED, please sir, I’ll have another!

After 2 glasses of wine and a nice visit with everyone, I left with a full bottle of said wine in my purse. This is why it’s important to carry a big bag, ladies. My son is at his Dad’s for Christmas, so nothing really for me to do when I got home but hurry up and wait. I decided I would share some wine-induced memories on Facebook as statuses. A lot of people enjoyed them, so I thought I’d re-share them here.

 

*I’m not a wine drinker, but I’ve had 2 glasses tonight, therefore, I’ma wax sentimental here. When I was a little girl, we lived with my Mom’s parents, my Grandma & Grandpa Hoover, while my Dad was out at sea. My Mom is the 11th out of 12 children- 6 boys, 6 girls. Christmas at my Grandparents was FANTASTIC- aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, dogs- a revolving door on their house for days! It was always snowing or rainy, so there’d be a soggy shoe store worthy display of moonboots by the door and a pile of damp coats on their bed. You could never tell who was coming or going. The house smelled like cookies, coffee and my Grandpa’s pipe smoke. And the NOISE- so many people laughing and talking, all the really good “remember when” stories. I can’t remember who all made it, but my favorite treat was Stained Glass candy- hard candy, all colors & flavors. It was poured out thin and when it hardened, you shattered it in pieces, then covered it in powdered sugar to keep it from sticking together. You put it in baggies or jars to share. It was so pretty to look at and tasted so sweet. I miss those Christmases. If you are blessed to have family at Christmas- enjoy them. Listen close to the remember when stories- it’ll be up to you to pass those on. Merry Christmas, kids- be blessed. **Sidenote- I have a whole bottle of said wine that I had 2 glasses of- there may be more waxing here, typed in slurs.

 

*Waxing Sentimental Part 2, Glass of Wine 3: 1983 is when ‘A Christmas Story’ came out at the theater- I was 11 years old. My Mom worked nights at Kmart, so my Dad & I made date to go see it and we’d pick Mom up after the movie (she wasn’t/isn’t a big movie goer). I don’t think my Dad and I ever laughed so hard at a movie- I think it brought a lot of memories back for him. He wouldn’t tell me what the F-dash-dash-dash word was, but he did let me say “Ovaltine? SONOFABITCH!” repeatedly. Especially when Mom got in the car- “Hey Mom- be sure to drink your Ovaltine. A Crummy commercial? SONOFABITCH!” Dad is pounding the steering wheel, tears rolling, I am screaming in the backseat and Betty’s mouth is puckered like a butthole. Good times. Who knew this quiet little movie would become such a huge deal and a significant part of my childhood and so many other peoples?? Ethan’s 11 now and when he gets home tomorrow, it will be his year to bust out with “Ovaltine? SONOFABITCH!” and see if Betty can still get her pucker on.

**After posting this, it was brought to my attention that my kid is now 12, not 11. Stupid wine.

 

*Waxing Sentimental Part 3, Still on Glass 3: December 22nd, 1999. I had been sick all December with bronchitis and an upper respiratory infection. 2 rounds of steroid shots, x-rays and more drugs than Studio 54 on a Saturday night. At the doc’s that day, I was asked again if there was any chance I could be pregnant, being they were going to nuke me with the x-ray machine again. I said no- it had been 5 years and had never happened, so surely not. But I felt weird when I left the doc- what IF? I stopped and bought a pregnancy test. I took it when I got home and that line turned pinker than a redheads forearm on a sunny day. I almost passed out- I was pregnant? ME?? And all the stuff I had done the last month trying to get well, I SURELY had a 2 headed baby with flippers inside going to bust out Alien-style??? OMG!! We gave the Grandparents the positive pregnancy tests for Christmas (all pee dried off, of course). I think that was one of the best Christmases in my adult life- I had a gift inside me that I never thought I wanted, that has been the best thing I ever received that I would never realize how much I needed. Obviously E has one head and no flippers, so all was well. Sometimes, life happens and things change, hence why Ethan isn’t home with me for Christmas. Not a year goes by that I don’t remember the best present ever and every day, I get to enjoy it. Merry Christmas, baby- see you tomorrow. ♥ (*Cue Mark Mashburn telling Ethan ‘Happy Birthday!)

 

So it’s now Christmas morning, and MAN, am I enjoying Facebook! I’m loving all the pics and well wishes people are extending to each other. Can’t we do that all year? Who cares what religion someone is or lack thereof, or who you voted for- can’t we all just get along? There’s room enough for us all here to be kind and decent even if we don’t agree. Look at today. Feels all tingly, doesn’t it? I haven’t even opened the wine yet.

2013 is right around the corner- time for people to make resolutions that most are forgotten by March. I challenge you that instead of making a list of things you are going to change or accomplish, to make just one- Be a Better You. You make just this one goal and you’ll be surprised all the things that fall into place. Trust me on this. Be the change you want to see in the world. The world is going to challenge you- take it head on. BE A BETTER YOU.

Ethan will be home sometime today, so until then, it’s not really Christmas for me. I choose to have delightful anticipation for his return rather than depression over his absence. I hope this holiday season finds you all warm enough, with family and friends to share with, full bellies of good food and enough laughter to strain your full bellies to the max. If you celebrate the birth of Christ, joy to the world, the Lord has come! If you don’t, that’s fine by me. I want for everyone to be blessed, be merry and be loved. And so far, you kids are doing a kickass job of showing that.

Merry Christmas!!

Let There Be Peace on Earth…or just decency.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am not a fan of Christmas. Some like to think that because I love Halloween, horror movies, blood, gore, heavy metal and beer that I don’t like Christmas because I am obviously evil, the devil has a hold on me. And again, if you really know me, you know that is bullshit, it’s quite the opposite. My favorite part of Christmas is my Christianity- Ohhh Mary, did you know?? The story…the birth of Jesus,….gives me chills anytime I think of it. I look in the sky imagining that star of Bethlehem and wonder how Mary felt. God’s only Son, sent here to save us. I have chills now. Irony here- I LOVE Christmas music. Riddle me that?? Some songs I keep in my iPod all year. I can sing my ever-lovin’ guts out to some Crimmus music!! I guess it’s where my fave Christmas memories come from- familiar lyrics in the background.

I don’t know what happened or when it did to turn me off of Christmas. It’s more a time of year to go through the motions, the commercialization and material aspect of it just kills my soul. The one part I do love that I wish people participated in all year is the people aspect. Everyone saves Christmas as a time to get together with family and friends, share holiday times, the one time of year some people see each other at all. Why? You have 11 months the rest of the year- don’t wait. You may not get another Christmas. Christmas is a special time, but so are Saturday’s in June and Wednesday evenings in March. One of my favorite Christmas songs is “Don’t Save it All for Christmas Day”. Don’t. Make everyday feel like Christmas in your heart and relationships- don’t wait for cold weather and twinkling lights.

In the wake of the tragedy in Newtown, I don’t really know how to feel about Christmas this year. I can’t get it off my mind- these families, those babies. 6-10 years old- December is THEIR time. The whole month of December in school is spent making decorations, making lists to Santa, cookies, glitter, excitement. Now there are families making funeral arrangements and trying their best to not lose their grip on reality, because their reality doesn’t exist anymore. Why hold on?

Facebook has been a blessing and a curse through this- I have seen some of the most beautiful posts, posts that bring me peace and help ease the sense of tragedy I feel for a situation that doesn’t even involve where I live or my family and friends. I have seen posts that have literally made me gasp out loud at the sheer callousness and insensitivity to the human race. I have maintained my usual postings of humor and positive thoughts, because that’s what I do. Not because I don’t care or think that ignoring the situation makes it better, but because if one person reads what I have posted and can find a smile or a good thought to embrace in their day, than maybe I helped. I have hovered over the little section to deactivate my account more times that I can count in the last 2 days simply because my faith in humanity has about run out.

Facebook is like a dumping ground of thought. We all have all sorts of thoughts and typically filter them before we speak out loud for the sake of not wanting to hurt someone. You know, basic human decency? Facebook seems to be a release for people to remove that filter and just put it out there- who cares how someone else may feel- this is MY wall, I can say what I think. Yep, you sure can. And everyone you are friends with can read it can share it whether via Facebook, copy & paste or tell someone else out loud. Your personal feelings on something cease to be as soon as you post it.

So kids….I don’t really even know the point of this entry other than be kind and thankful. No one asks you to really care about anything, but remember you are human, as is everyone else. Be a good human to one another. Life is so short. Watch or read the news sometime if you need a reminder. When it comes to social media- by all means, express yourselves, share, use your voice. But there is no need to be absolutely horrible, insensitive or cruel. I’m not one to candy-coat anything or mince words, but I am also not one to think that what goes on in my head is way more important or righteous than anyone else and that somehow gives me the right to tear apart my friends, family and strangers with my thoughts. I know my biggest blessing/fault in life is that I love big and care deep. What is difficult for me is that no, I will never stop doing that- that is who I am. My ability to do so diminishes a little every day with what I see in the world. And that frightens me. I hope I have enough left to keep on until my name is called and it’s time for me to go dance.

Let there be peace on Earth…and let it begin with me. And you. And yours.

Merry Christmas, be blessed.

Speaking of the beauty of Facebook, my friend Tammy shared this this week and I adore it. It has now been added to my favorite Christmas songs. Please give it a listen and I hope you enjoy it as well.

How I Stay So Damn Happy (without medication)

I can honestly say that 99 & 44/100ths % of the time, I am truly happy. I wasn’t always this way. I lived a long time being miserable and unhappy until one day I realized….happiness starts with me. Not with stuff & things, bank accounts, other people- it’s all mine to decide on. It’s a lifestyle, not a reward. Nowadays? I’m just glad to be here. How is this ‘happiness’ possible in this crazy world we live in, you say? Lemme tell you my top 10 ways to be happy. Try ‘em, you’ll like ‘em.

 

1. It’s the Little Things

I am a HUGE horror movie fan. Did you ever see ‘Zombieland’? Woody Harrelson’s character, Tallahassee, was in pursuit of Twinkes the entire movie. The world as we know it had ended and is overrun with death, destruction and zombies, and he is hellbent on finding Twinkies. Why? Because there’s a good chance Hostess will never be back in business again, he loves them and wants to savor every last one. Our daily life isn’t like Zombieland (thankyoujesus), but Tallahassee was right- enjoy the little things- you never know when it may be your last time to experience them.

 

2. People Live in Homes, Not Museums

I know people who clean their house, spit-shine it, EVERY weekend. This is their plan- they make lists of cleaning products to buy and plans of attack to get their house to a high shine.  Not to mention the cleaning they do every day. Now, I enjoy and pride myself on a clean house, but I live in a home. We LIVE here, we don’t walk on eggshells and obsess over dust. My house will never pass a white glove inspection, but chances are, I won’t be home to be inspected because I am out doing. Living. Seeing. Experiencing. My dirty house will still be there when I get home. It’ll get cleaned eventually. But I am not going to miss out of life to make it shine like the top of the Chrysler Building. I visit people at their homes for them and the people that live there, not to check out their grout or if their blinds need dusted.  I’ve been to a lot of funerals and never once have I heard anyone eulogized with “They sure kept a clean house.” Nobody cares. Believe me when I say this.

 

3. Worry about Today, Tomorrow Might Not Happen Anyway

I used to be CONSUMED with the what-ifs. Crippled even. I didn’t do a lot of things because I worried about what the future would hold. Now? I focus on the wake-up until the night-night. That’s all. I’m not stupid, of course I plan ahead, save a little money and all that jazz. I’m talking about stop worrying about what could go wrong and focus on what is going right. I own a home and if anything were to go bad-wrong with my house, I can’t afford to fix it. Any major car problems? Skee-rewed. If I lose my job, I’m homeless within 3 months. If I get sick, there’s no other income, no back-up plan, nobody to save me and the 2 people that count on me. I could easily choose to obsess over my what-ifs and never spend a dime, never go anywhere, never do anything. To live like that, I might as well be dead. Instead, I plan as well as I can, pray for the best, enjoy my today and hope I get through it untouched & alive. We’ll figure out tomorrow when it gets here.

 

4.  EVERY DAY is a Special Occasion

I used to work with a guy that told me about his Rolex he bought for himself, a sign of success. I immediately looked at his wrist- he said “Oh no- I never wear it, I keep it in a safe deposit box at the bank.” My mouth worked before my brain did, and I said “That’s pretty stupid. Why invest in something that means so much to you to never enjoy it?” He said “I don’t know.” Fine china and crystal…use it. Don’t wait on Christmas or that ever promising ‘special occasion’- it might not come around again. Expensive jewelry, your Grandpa’s pocket watch? Wear it. Enjoy it. There’s no point in having fancy material things to collect dust or to brag on them. I’ve been known to wear sparkly, chandelier earrings, even if they don’t match my sweatshirt. Because I like them and want to- that’s a special enough occasion.

 

5. Be Kind to You

The world is full of people ready to kick you in the head- don’t be that person to yourself.  Be your own biggest fan. There are plenty of things to like about you and be proud of- do that. Find those things and work towards better things. Pat yourself on the back. Hold your head up and be confident- I don’t care if you’re fat, skinny, old, poor, etc.- every human has value and worth- don’t discredit yourself. People can sense your attitude about you and will treat you as such in return. Do you want to be a doormat or a balcony? Command respect by respecting yourself.

 

6. Be Kind to Others

How can this make you happy? Because you choose to be kind….even when some people don’t deserve it. Smiling at someone, asking how they are, making small talk- this is being human. Tell someone they look nice/you like their hair/outfit/shoes/car etc.- a compliment may be the nicest thing a person hears all day and is just enough to get them through. Sometimes, you can light the candle at an otherwise dark time. In turn, you’ve brightened your own world.

 

7.  Give

Give as much as you can, when you can without expectations of anything in return. I don’t mean from deep pockets- if giving just meant money, gifts, donations, well….I wouldn’t be able to be very giving at all. If somebody needs something and you can help- give it. Whether it be help on a home project, a ride to the store, advice, a card in the mail, volunteering for an organization, reaching something on the top shelf or just letting someone know that you think they’re pretty great. Give when you can. What is the purpose of being alive if you can’t help someone else in life? Time is the most valuable thing you can give because you can’t get it back- invest it wisely. Then, watch your investment grow.

 

8. Fear Stops Here

Stop living in fear. As in, don’t put limits on yourself because you’re afraid of what might happen. Never tried a certain kind of food because you might not like it? Pfft. Never been to x-y or z because you’ve heard it’s bad, or the people are sketchy or it’s just out of your comfort zone? Pffft again. If you live your life in a tiny box, never venturing out, never trying anything new…are you really living or just filling the minutes until you die? Wear something you’ve never worn before. Go check out that museum. Try Thai/Indian/German/Jamaican/whatever kind of food. Visit that place you always said you wanted to go but just never made time. Paint your nails purple. Do something every day that scares you or defies your norm.  Quit worrying about what other people think. Dare to be different. You might like it.

 

9. Rid Yourself of Toxins

I don’t mean with a colonic or anything like that. If it makes you feel bad- separate yourself from it. This usually means people in our lives. It doesn’t have to be some big, dramatic end-all, but a casual drift away. I base my relationships with people on when I am NOT around them. As in, if I find myself wondering what so & so is doing, or remembering what a great time I had with so & so, etc.- these are the people that need to be in my life- they bring value and worth, I feel good just thinking of them- being around them is always joyous and I look forward to it. The people who I dread even running into at the store- not so much. I keep a pleasant distance and do not engage unless I have to. There’s no law that says just because you know somebody gives you or them right to make each other feel bad directly or indirectly. I pinky-swear. Evaluate your relationships and see #7- invest your time wisely- you can’t get it back. Make it count.

 

10. Be Grateful and Thankful

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t appreciate my life. Flaws and all- there is ALWAYS something good in every day. ALWAYS. You just have to be receptive to it. So many people base happiness on how they think things are supposed to be. Here’s a little secret for you….things are typically exactly the way they are supposed to be- it’s up to you to realize what part pertains to you. Deeeeep, eh? The only guarantee in life is that you are going to die. Everything else is day by day, play by play. Call the shots and participate, but realize, it’s not all about you. You can’t control the world or the people in it, but you can control how they make you feel. No matter how sucky your life may be, somebody wishes their life could be as good as yours. Be. Thankful. If you’re reading this, you woke up today. You have a computer/phone and electricity. You probably had something to eat, talked to a family member or friend, hugged someone you love, petted a dog/cat, had sun on your face, clothes to wear and with any luck, a smile on your face and love in your heart. What more could you ask for? A Rolex? Make sure that if you get one, wear it. Every day.