Forever In Blue Jeans AKA Hell

So….just an ordinary Monday night- you know, tornado warnings that make me pace. Hail raining down, 90mph winds and rain. My purse is in the tub with the pillows to cover our heads with, we all have shoes on, ready to hear the train sound and go take cover. Yeah. Just an ordinary night in Georgia. After all calms down, I’m calming myself via Facebook. Social media=social therapy. I see a post by one of my favorite bloggers, Slice of Humble. Long story short- I comment a few times, she tells me this: “I don’t say this often….but you need to start a blog. Please.”

Oh. Em. Gee.

So I sheepishly say I have one, nowhere near as good as hers, and I take the bold step…and send it to her. Low & behold, she pimps me out on her Facebook page. And says this: “If you were following the thread from an hour ago you saw me point out a Humbler’s comment and tell her to start a blog. Please go comment on her blog so she will write more words for me to read. Link in comments.”

NO PRESSURE, LISA. NONE AT ALL.

I do not want to displease, so here are some words to hopefully entertain you kids and keep me in Humble’s good graces. I wrote this several years ago- I’ve been in the process of trying to move all my old stuff over, this virtual pat-on-the-head-atta-girl may get me transferring faster now.

Without further ado…..Forever In Blue Jeans AKA Hell

Blue jeans. A staple in the wardrobe of America. A knife to the gut of those trying to find ‘the’ perfect pair.

I have yet to find a woman that says “I LOVE shopping for blue jeans! It’s my most favorite-ist shopping trip in the whole wide world!” I personally would rather join Jim Bob & Michelle and begin birthing J-named-Duggar children for them then shop for jeans.

Why you ask? Well, for me, I am short. 5-foot-nothing. My grandmother gave birth to 12 children. In the genetics, I guess it was a thought that I may also want to do so. Therefore, I received massive, childbearing hips. It only took me bearing one child to know that the hips were wasted on me. I am a wide midget. To find jeans that fit across the north 40, it’s assumed that to have an ass that big that one must also be an Amazon at 8ft. tall. Lisa, you say, they make jeans in custom lengths- get petites. Again, wide ass=petite Amazon length, like 5’10”. Capri pants are the running joke for me every summer. I can buy capris and roll them up so many times you’d think I was wearing corduroys from the swish. Not my thighs rubbing together but the 4” thick cuffs I have mid calf because be damned, I now gots me some capris.

This also brings me to the world of hip-huggers. Lisa-if your hips are that wide, hip-huggers would be perfect for you! Not so much….to wear hip-huggers effectively, it’s not the hips in question. It’s the span of area from boobs to pubes. If this girth is not in check, your hip-huggers will make you look like a tube of toothpaste that was squeezed with King Kong’s fist. Nothing worse than seeing size 9 hip-hugger jeans applied to a size 14 body. It’s not what’s crammed in the pants but all the area leftover to bulge over the top. I do have enough pride & self respect to not do this to world. The first time I tried on a pair of hip-huggers, I didn’t know it. Until I went to zip them. I pull the zipper up and am going to keep zipping except I’ve run out of zipper because they are ‘low-rise’. Hand flies off, punches me in the nose as to say “Dumbass! These are not for you! Don’t make us knock you out if you try and wear us one mo’ gin!”. I listened to the Denim Gods and have just said no.

Mom Jeans. Nope. I will not wear hip-huggers but Mom-Jeans are also not an option and a big Hell-to-the-no-no. You know what these are….jeans with small pockets on the back that makes your ass look like a double wide in a open field rather than a single wide in a park. The waist rises to somewhere right under your boobs. Typically worn by Mom’s that have a PTO t-shirt tucked in high & tight and a very skinny belt as well. Or an appliqued vest with apples or bears or something equally ridiculous. Honey, just because you’ve given birth does not mean you killed your edge for fashion. Look around…let them go. I was pilfering around in Goodwill a few weeks ago (look at me, there’s my edge for fashion right there) looking through the jeans. It made my heart skip a beat to see that the racks were FULL of all offenses of acid wash and Mom jeans!! Women are just saying NO and sending these out and even the poor people (like me!) aren’t buying them!! WOO HOO!! Box them up and send them away. Within the next few years, when you see footage of Calcutta on the news, the entire city will have high waist jeans on with their Sari’s. And I won’t be a damn bit sorry.

I went to Old Navy a few weeks ago because usually I have good luck in finding jeans. I walk in and to what do my wondering eyes should appear? ‘Classic’ jeans…mid-rise waist, fitted through the hip & thigh with a slight flair…flair as in boot leg, not Bedazzled. I’m so excited!! I’m looking through to figure what-size-will-Lisa-wear-this-week and am not real thrilled because I know it’s not the number I was going for.

Then…IT happens.

There’s a young man working there. In the Women’s section. DENIM section. Why would he do this? Why would anyone put him there?? Does he work in ladies swimsuits as well for added fun? I’m not a chauvinist, but some places are just not meant for boys to work to help women in their time of need. Splint my leg, change my tire, but DO NOT help me with jeans.

I thought well, maybe he’s gay. Then I thought Christ on a cracker, Loretta, you don’t want him to be GAY and you be FAT!! You think it’d be harsh with a straight guy, don’t get a gay one helping you find your jeans!! No no no.

Then I thought, well, he looks Hispanic. Don’t they like big butts? Larger women? We’ll make friends with his fashion knowledge and my lowrider in my pants.

Well, Lisa-love-all, didn’t you just profile/stereotype two times in a row?? GAAAAHH where’s my inhaler? Oh…they’re called Marlboro Lights and they don’t let you use them in stores. Dammitman.

Anyway….the young-not-gay-but-possibly-Hispanic young man walks up to me and says ‘Ma’am, can I help you find something? What size are you looking for?

FIRST of all…I just got ma’am’d. Anytime this happens, I’m taken aback and can’t quite function. Somewhere between Bon Jovi/Aqua Net and 2^nd grade/skateboard/Spiderman, I have become a ma’am and didn’t even see it coming.

And I say the only thing I could in my fat-ass, squatted down, loathing the jean shop, ma’am’d position.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Much like someone wearing a fur coat backs away from a PETA march, so did he. Bless his heart.

And I left with no jeans.

I went to Goodwill, got me some good stretchy acid wash numbers with a zipper and not one but 2 bows at the ankle. But NO MOM JEANS.

Sometimes, life is really good.

( I <heart> Neil Frikken’ Diamond. For serious.)

I LIKE TOAST & COLLARDS!

I wrote about this almost 7 years ago. I told the story today at work and once again, laughed until I cried. I hope y’all enjoy it, too.

Sometime in 2006….

This happened about a month ago and I can’t believe it slipped my mind this long to relay it. I think when it happened, I laughed too hard & blacked out.

My son Ethan (he’s 6) came home from his dad’s one weekend with (what I thought) was a statement. Here’s how the conversation went:

Mom- did you know I like toast & collards?

(for you non-Southerners, ‘collards’ are short for ‘collard greens’, which are a vegetable/weed/something that you cook w/pork fat and eat. Good stuff, think spinach that says ‘ya’ll’ when you eat it.)

(I’m a bit perplexed, thinking that toast & collards DO NOT go together, but what do I know?)

Yes, Ethan, I know you like toast and collards, did you eat that this weekend?

NO MAMA- I like toast & collards!

(Okay, now I’m boggled, I thought I answered correctly)

Okay, Ethan, I know, but did you eat toast and collards or what?

NO MAMA…I LIKE TOAST AND COLLARDS!!!

(He’s in EXTREME pissed-off-6-year-old-mode now and to try to save myself, I throw in the white flag)

Okay, E, I don’t understand about your toast and collards, what do you mean?

MAMA!! WHEN I DRINK MILK IT HURTS MY STOMACH & MAKES ME POOP!

I LIKE TOAST AND COLLARDS!

Lactose Intolerant/like toast and collards. Say it out loud.

Lactose Intolerant.

I am crystal clear on this subject now. I busted out laughing which further infuriated him, but it absolutely could NOT be helped. His dad likes toast and collards and must have told him about it, therefore, Ethan had a bellyache & made his own diagnosis.

Who needs all this confusing medical jargon?

I know I laughed myself a hyena over this one.

Christmas Wine-ing

I went to visit some friends on Christmas Eve. Bud is one that no matter what you say, he is still going to do exactly what he wants to do. Thank God he’s not a hairdresser.

Bud: Lisa, you want a drink? A toddy? A beer? I have this wine you should try.

Lisa: Oh, no thanks, I can’t drink wine.

Torey, Bud’s Grandaughter: I’ll have a glass, Lisa can taste mine.

Bud leaves, comes back with 2 glasses- one for me, one for Torey. Dammit.

I drank the one glass and no joke, it was good. One glass was enough for me to say impending migraine be DAMNED, please sir, I’ll have another!

After 2 glasses of wine and a nice visit with everyone, I left with a full bottle of said wine in my purse. This is why it’s important to carry a big bag, ladies. My son is at his Dad’s for Christmas, so nothing really for me to do when I got home but hurry up and wait. I decided I would share some wine-induced memories on Facebook as statuses. A lot of people enjoyed them, so I thought I’d re-share them here.

 

*I’m not a wine drinker, but I’ve had 2 glasses tonight, therefore, I’ma wax sentimental here. When I was a little girl, we lived with my Mom’s parents, my Grandma & Grandpa Hoover, while my Dad was out at sea. My Mom is the 11th out of 12 children- 6 boys, 6 girls. Christmas at my Grandparents was FANTASTIC- aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, dogs- a revolving door on their house for days! It was always snowing or rainy, so there’d be a soggy shoe store worthy display of moonboots by the door and a pile of damp coats on their bed. You could never tell who was coming or going. The house smelled like cookies, coffee and my Grandpa’s pipe smoke. And the NOISE- so many people laughing and talking, all the really good “remember when” stories. I can’t remember who all made it, but my favorite treat was Stained Glass candy- hard candy, all colors & flavors. It was poured out thin and when it hardened, you shattered it in pieces, then covered it in powdered sugar to keep it from sticking together. You put it in baggies or jars to share. It was so pretty to look at and tasted so sweet. I miss those Christmases. If you are blessed to have family at Christmas- enjoy them. Listen close to the remember when stories- it’ll be up to you to pass those on. Merry Christmas, kids- be blessed. **Sidenote- I have a whole bottle of said wine that I had 2 glasses of- there may be more waxing here, typed in slurs.

 

*Waxing Sentimental Part 2, Glass of Wine 3: 1983 is when ‘A Christmas Story’ came out at the theater- I was 11 years old. My Mom worked nights at Kmart, so my Dad & I made date to go see it and we’d pick Mom up after the movie (she wasn’t/isn’t a big movie goer). I don’t think my Dad and I ever laughed so hard at a movie- I think it brought a lot of memories back for him. He wouldn’t tell me what the F-dash-dash-dash word was, but he did let me say “Ovaltine? SONOFABITCH!” repeatedly. Especially when Mom got in the car- “Hey Mom- be sure to drink your Ovaltine. A Crummy commercial? SONOFABITCH!” Dad is pounding the steering wheel, tears rolling, I am screaming in the backseat and Betty’s mouth is puckered like a butthole. Good times. Who knew this quiet little movie would become such a huge deal and a significant part of my childhood and so many other peoples?? Ethan’s 11 now and when he gets home tomorrow, it will be his year to bust out with “Ovaltine? SONOFABITCH!” and see if Betty can still get her pucker on.

**After posting this, it was brought to my attention that my kid is now 12, not 11. Stupid wine.

 

*Waxing Sentimental Part 3, Still on Glass 3: December 22nd, 1999. I had been sick all December with bronchitis and an upper respiratory infection. 2 rounds of steroid shots, x-rays and more drugs than Studio 54 on a Saturday night. At the doc’s that day, I was asked again if there was any chance I could be pregnant, being they were going to nuke me with the x-ray machine again. I said no- it had been 5 years and had never happened, so surely not. But I felt weird when I left the doc- what IF? I stopped and bought a pregnancy test. I took it when I got home and that line turned pinker than a redheads forearm on a sunny day. I almost passed out- I was pregnant? ME?? And all the stuff I had done the last month trying to get well, I SURELY had a 2 headed baby with flippers inside going to bust out Alien-style??? OMG!! We gave the Grandparents the positive pregnancy tests for Christmas (all pee dried off, of course). I think that was one of the best Christmases in my adult life- I had a gift inside me that I never thought I wanted, that has been the best thing I ever received that I would never realize how much I needed. Obviously E has one head and no flippers, so all was well. Sometimes, life happens and things change, hence why Ethan isn’t home with me for Christmas. Not a year goes by that I don’t remember the best present ever and every day, I get to enjoy it. Merry Christmas, baby- see you tomorrow. ♥ (*Cue Mark Mashburn telling Ethan ‘Happy Birthday!)

 

So it’s now Christmas morning, and MAN, am I enjoying Facebook! I’m loving all the pics and well wishes people are extending to each other. Can’t we do that all year? Who cares what religion someone is or lack thereof, or who you voted for- can’t we all just get along? There’s room enough for us all here to be kind and decent even if we don’t agree. Look at today. Feels all tingly, doesn’t it? I haven’t even opened the wine yet.

2013 is right around the corner- time for people to make resolutions that most are forgotten by March. I challenge you that instead of making a list of things you are going to change or accomplish, to make just one- Be a Better You. You make just this one goal and you’ll be surprised all the things that fall into place. Trust me on this. Be the change you want to see in the world. The world is going to challenge you- take it head on. BE A BETTER YOU.

Ethan will be home sometime today, so until then, it’s not really Christmas for me. I choose to have delightful anticipation for his return rather than depression over his absence. I hope this holiday season finds you all warm enough, with family and friends to share with, full bellies of good food and enough laughter to strain your full bellies to the max. If you celebrate the birth of Christ, joy to the world, the Lord has come! If you don’t, that’s fine by me. I want for everyone to be blessed, be merry and be loved. And so far, you kids are doing a kickass job of showing that.

Merry Christmas!!

Deer Blind

About 15 or so years ago, I was pulled over by the po-po one evening on my way home from having dinner with a friend. Suspicion of DUI because I was weaving. I had one drink about 3 hours prior to leaving- I knew I was nowhere near drunk, but I was fairly certain I was close to being night blind. After passing all the tests, the officer suggested I be careful and get my eyes checked. I did just that- I had glasses within a week. I typically only really need my glasses at night, when it’s raining or if I’m staring at a computer screen a long time. Or if I want to see individual leaves on trees- that’s kind of cool. I have 3 pair of glasses, so I have no excuse to be visionless.

With no excuse to be visionless, I haven’t had a single pair of glasses in my car or at my desk at work for about 3 months. Just been wingin’ it. I’m a rebel, Dottie. No reason- I got them all together one night to show a friend and just never put them back where they belonged.

Tonight, I worked late- last man standing at the office. I work for a manufacturing company in an industrial area. The road is well traveled, but it’s still kind of creepy at night. I gather all my stuff together and head to the lobby. I check the phones, shut my office, and turn the lights out in the lobby to leave. I look out the front window to check and make sure nobody’s out there waiting to kill me, and…

There he was.

Across the parking lot, near the trees.

SOMEONE WAS STANDING THERE WATCHING AND WAITING FOR ME TO COME OUT SO THEY COULD KILL ME.

Mind you, we can see the jail from our building. All our doors stay locked, you have to be buzzed in. And it’s for this very reason- people get let out of jail and come right to us to use the phone. No es bueno. I’m assuming someone has broken out of jail, saw me in my office and the one lone car there….and was waiting me out. To kill me.

GAAAAAH what to do, what to do, my upper lip is sweating, I got my hands full of crap…GAAAAH The doors are locked, but if they suddenly charged the doors, would my cat-like-Ninja-skills be ready for me to Matrix-jump behind the counter to hit the alarm??

I pull myself together and inventory how I was going to defend myself. I have a purse (meh, it’s too new to trash), totebag full of junk (meh, too bulky to be effective) car keys (no, have to get too-close-for-comfort to gouge eyes out), a bag with 5lbs. of frozen venison. I have never been more thankful for my coworker that hunts and gifts me meat. Thank you, Tom. You’re about to save my life.

I would Defend with Deer. I could swing that bag with its 5 individual frozen cinder blocks of deer meat like Michonne swings her Katana on The Walking Dead. I may not lop off a head clean at the neck, but I could sure bust a temple open. I reevaluated my height and figured I’d do much better swinging my Bambi Blocks at the knees- I could cripple easier than I could get a head shot in.

Now I’m pumped. PUUUUMPED!!! I’m ready to kill, ready to show this jackwagon that I will NOT be afraid or a victim, DAMMIT. I am woman, hear me ROAR! Or hear my plastic bag of frozen dead animal whistle as I swing it like Babe Ruth.

I’ve noticed my predator has not flinched. Not taken a step. Thaaaaat’s right. He could feel my badassness seeping out from under the door. I gave him a few more seconds to make a move. COME AT ME, BRO.

That’s when I realized that the fire hydrant most likely was not going to make a move to harm me. That’s why this intruder was being so still.

FIRE. HYDRANT.

I just got home and put all 3 pair of glasses in my car and my unharmed deer meat in the freezer.

I was ready, though. For serious.

UPDATE

Look at it, looking all coy in the daylight.

 

Let There Be Peace on Earth…or just decency.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am not a fan of Christmas. Some like to think that because I love Halloween, horror movies, blood, gore, heavy metal and beer that I don’t like Christmas because I am obviously evil, the devil has a hold on me. And again, if you really know me, you know that is bullshit, it’s quite the opposite. My favorite part of Christmas is my Christianity- Ohhh Mary, did you know?? The story…the birth of Jesus,….gives me chills anytime I think of it. I look in the sky imagining that star of Bethlehem and wonder how Mary felt. God’s only Son, sent here to save us. I have chills now. Irony here- I LOVE Christmas music. Riddle me that?? Some songs I keep in my iPod all year. I can sing my ever-lovin’ guts out to some Crimmus music!! I guess it’s where my fave Christmas memories come from- familiar lyrics in the background.

I don’t know what happened or when it did to turn me off of Christmas. It’s more a time of year to go through the motions, the commercialization and material aspect of it just kills my soul. The one part I do love that I wish people participated in all year is the people aspect. Everyone saves Christmas as a time to get together with family and friends, share holiday times, the one time of year some people see each other at all. Why? You have 11 months the rest of the year- don’t wait. You may not get another Christmas. Christmas is a special time, but so are Saturday’s in June and Wednesday evenings in March. One of my favorite Christmas songs is “Don’t Save it All for Christmas Day”. Don’t. Make everyday feel like Christmas in your heart and relationships- don’t wait for cold weather and twinkling lights.

In the wake of the tragedy in Newtown, I don’t really know how to feel about Christmas this year. I can’t get it off my mind- these families, those babies. 6-10 years old- December is THEIR time. The whole month of December in school is spent making decorations, making lists to Santa, cookies, glitter, excitement. Now there are families making funeral arrangements and trying their best to not lose their grip on reality, because their reality doesn’t exist anymore. Why hold on?

Facebook has been a blessing and a curse through this- I have seen some of the most beautiful posts, posts that bring me peace and help ease the sense of tragedy I feel for a situation that doesn’t even involve where I live or my family and friends. I have seen posts that have literally made me gasp out loud at the sheer callousness and insensitivity to the human race. I have maintained my usual postings of humor and positive thoughts, because that’s what I do. Not because I don’t care or think that ignoring the situation makes it better, but because if one person reads what I have posted and can find a smile or a good thought to embrace in their day, than maybe I helped. I have hovered over the little section to deactivate my account more times that I can count in the last 2 days simply because my faith in humanity has about run out.

Facebook is like a dumping ground of thought. We all have all sorts of thoughts and typically filter them before we speak out loud for the sake of not wanting to hurt someone. You know, basic human decency? Facebook seems to be a release for people to remove that filter and just put it out there- who cares how someone else may feel- this is MY wall, I can say what I think. Yep, you sure can. And everyone you are friends with can read it can share it whether via Facebook, copy & paste or tell someone else out loud. Your personal feelings on something cease to be as soon as you post it.

So kids….I don’t really even know the point of this entry other than be kind and thankful. No one asks you to really care about anything, but remember you are human, as is everyone else. Be a good human to one another. Life is so short. Watch or read the news sometime if you need a reminder. When it comes to social media- by all means, express yourselves, share, use your voice. But there is no need to be absolutely horrible, insensitive or cruel. I’m not one to candy-coat anything or mince words, but I am also not one to think that what goes on in my head is way more important or righteous than anyone else and that somehow gives me the right to tear apart my friends, family and strangers with my thoughts. I know my biggest blessing/fault in life is that I love big and care deep. What is difficult for me is that no, I will never stop doing that- that is who I am. My ability to do so diminishes a little every day with what I see in the world. And that frightens me. I hope I have enough left to keep on until my name is called and it’s time for me to go dance.

Let there be peace on Earth…and let it begin with me. And you. And yours.

Merry Christmas, be blessed.

Speaking of the beauty of Facebook, my friend Tammy shared this this week and I adore it. It has now been added to my favorite Christmas songs. Please give it a listen and I hope you enjoy it as well.

How I Stay So Damn Happy (without medication)

I can honestly say that 99 & 44/100ths % of the time, I am truly happy. I wasn’t always this way. I lived a long time being miserable and unhappy until one day I realized….happiness starts with me. Not with stuff & things, bank accounts, other people- it’s all mine to decide on. It’s a lifestyle, not a reward. Nowadays? I’m just glad to be here. How is this ‘happiness’ possible in this crazy world we live in, you say? Lemme tell you my top 10 ways to be happy. Try ‘em, you’ll like ‘em.

 

1. It’s the Little Things

I am a HUGE horror movie fan. Did you ever see ‘Zombieland’? Woody Harrelson’s character, Tallahassee, was in pursuit of Twinkes the entire movie. The world as we know it had ended and is overrun with death, destruction and zombies, and he is hellbent on finding Twinkies. Why? Because there’s a good chance Hostess will never be back in business again, he loves them and wants to savor every last one. Our daily life isn’t like Zombieland (thankyoujesus), but Tallahassee was right- enjoy the little things- you never know when it may be your last time to experience them.

 

2. People Live in Homes, Not Museums

I know people who clean their house, spit-shine it, EVERY weekend. This is their plan- they make lists of cleaning products to buy and plans of attack to get their house to a high shine.  Not to mention the cleaning they do every day. Now, I enjoy and pride myself on a clean house, but I live in a home. We LIVE here, we don’t walk on eggshells and obsess over dust. My house will never pass a white glove inspection, but chances are, I won’t be home to be inspected because I am out doing. Living. Seeing. Experiencing. My dirty house will still be there when I get home. It’ll get cleaned eventually. But I am not going to miss out of life to make it shine like the top of the Chrysler Building. I visit people at their homes for them and the people that live there, not to check out their grout or if their blinds need dusted.  I’ve been to a lot of funerals and never once have I heard anyone eulogized with “They sure kept a clean house.” Nobody cares. Believe me when I say this.

 

3. Worry about Today, Tomorrow Might Not Happen Anyway

I used to be CONSUMED with the what-ifs. Crippled even. I didn’t do a lot of things because I worried about what the future would hold. Now? I focus on the wake-up until the night-night. That’s all. I’m not stupid, of course I plan ahead, save a little money and all that jazz. I’m talking about stop worrying about what could go wrong and focus on what is going right. I own a home and if anything were to go bad-wrong with my house, I can’t afford to fix it. Any major car problems? Skee-rewed. If I lose my job, I’m homeless within 3 months. If I get sick, there’s no other income, no back-up plan, nobody to save me and the 2 people that count on me. I could easily choose to obsess over my what-ifs and never spend a dime, never go anywhere, never do anything. To live like that, I might as well be dead. Instead, I plan as well as I can, pray for the best, enjoy my today and hope I get through it untouched & alive. We’ll figure out tomorrow when it gets here.

 

4.  EVERY DAY is a Special Occasion

I used to work with a guy that told me about his Rolex he bought for himself, a sign of success. I immediately looked at his wrist- he said “Oh no- I never wear it, I keep it in a safe deposit box at the bank.” My mouth worked before my brain did, and I said “That’s pretty stupid. Why invest in something that means so much to you to never enjoy it?” He said “I don’t know.” Fine china and crystal…use it. Don’t wait on Christmas or that ever promising ‘special occasion’- it might not come around again. Expensive jewelry, your Grandpa’s pocket watch? Wear it. Enjoy it. There’s no point in having fancy material things to collect dust or to brag on them. I’ve been known to wear sparkly, chandelier earrings, even if they don’t match my sweatshirt. Because I like them and want to- that’s a special enough occasion.

 

5. Be Kind to You

The world is full of people ready to kick you in the head- don’t be that person to yourself.  Be your own biggest fan. There are plenty of things to like about you and be proud of- do that. Find those things and work towards better things. Pat yourself on the back. Hold your head up and be confident- I don’t care if you’re fat, skinny, old, poor, etc.- every human has value and worth- don’t discredit yourself. People can sense your attitude about you and will treat you as such in return. Do you want to be a doormat or a balcony? Command respect by respecting yourself.

 

6. Be Kind to Others

How can this make you happy? Because you choose to be kind….even when some people don’t deserve it. Smiling at someone, asking how they are, making small talk- this is being human. Tell someone they look nice/you like their hair/outfit/shoes/car etc.- a compliment may be the nicest thing a person hears all day and is just enough to get them through. Sometimes, you can light the candle at an otherwise dark time. In turn, you’ve brightened your own world.

 

7.  Give

Give as much as you can, when you can without expectations of anything in return. I don’t mean from deep pockets- if giving just meant money, gifts, donations, well….I wouldn’t be able to be very giving at all. If somebody needs something and you can help- give it. Whether it be help on a home project, a ride to the store, advice, a card in the mail, volunteering for an organization, reaching something on the top shelf or just letting someone know that you think they’re pretty great. Give when you can. What is the purpose of being alive if you can’t help someone else in life? Time is the most valuable thing you can give because you can’t get it back- invest it wisely. Then, watch your investment grow.

 

8. Fear Stops Here

Stop living in fear. As in, don’t put limits on yourself because you’re afraid of what might happen. Never tried a certain kind of food because you might not like it? Pfft. Never been to x-y or z because you’ve heard it’s bad, or the people are sketchy or it’s just out of your comfort zone? Pffft again. If you live your life in a tiny box, never venturing out, never trying anything new…are you really living or just filling the minutes until you die? Wear something you’ve never worn before. Go check out that museum. Try Thai/Indian/German/Jamaican/whatever kind of food. Visit that place you always said you wanted to go but just never made time. Paint your nails purple. Do something every day that scares you or defies your norm.  Quit worrying about what other people think. Dare to be different. You might like it.

 

9. Rid Yourself of Toxins

I don’t mean with a colonic or anything like that. If it makes you feel bad- separate yourself from it. This usually means people in our lives. It doesn’t have to be some big, dramatic end-all, but a casual drift away. I base my relationships with people on when I am NOT around them. As in, if I find myself wondering what so & so is doing, or remembering what a great time I had with so & so, etc.- these are the people that need to be in my life- they bring value and worth, I feel good just thinking of them- being around them is always joyous and I look forward to it. The people who I dread even running into at the store- not so much. I keep a pleasant distance and do not engage unless I have to. There’s no law that says just because you know somebody gives you or them right to make each other feel bad directly or indirectly. I pinky-swear. Evaluate your relationships and see #7- invest your time wisely- you can’t get it back. Make it count.

 

10. Be Grateful and Thankful

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t appreciate my life. Flaws and all- there is ALWAYS something good in every day. ALWAYS. You just have to be receptive to it. So many people base happiness on how they think things are supposed to be. Here’s a little secret for you….things are typically exactly the way they are supposed to be- it’s up to you to realize what part pertains to you. Deeeeep, eh? The only guarantee in life is that you are going to die. Everything else is day by day, play by play. Call the shots and participate, but realize, it’s not all about you. You can’t control the world or the people in it, but you can control how they make you feel. No matter how sucky your life may be, somebody wishes their life could be as good as yours. Be. Thankful. If you’re reading this, you woke up today. You have a computer/phone and electricity. You probably had something to eat, talked to a family member or friend, hugged someone you love, petted a dog/cat, had sun on your face, clothes to wear and with any luck, a smile on your face and love in your heart. What more could you ask for? A Rolex? Make sure that if you get one, wear it. Every day.

I’ma Dirty Girl!

4-30-12 I’ma Dirty Girl!!!

The Dirty Girl Mud Run was held Saturday, April 28th, 2012 at Aaron’s Ampitheater at Lakewood in Atlanta, Georgia. This was the first time they had this in Georgia- I sure hope it’s not the last!! It was a 5k obstacle course through mud/water- girls only, no smelly boys allowed! The event was promoted for all ages over 14, all sizes, all fitness levels, etc. It wasn’t timed- just do it and have fun. Some of the proceeds from entry fees went toward breast cancer research. A win-win all around. Almost 7,000, I repeat, SEVEN THOUSAND women participated in this. I could die and go to hell and talk my way out of staying, but I sincerely do not have all the words or ability to use them properly to express what a great day/great time this was. Therefore, I will try to tell it to you in pictures.

Before I really get started, let me tell you a little backstory here. This is me and my friend Amy. She lives in Ohio. We’ve know each other over 20 years (even though she is in only in her 20’s- I got your back Amy, see?) We hadn’t seen each other in fo-eh-VAH- these pics are from a couple years ago when she flew down to Savannah for a weekend of debauchery with me and my rowdy friends. Please note- haven’t seen each other in a million days and we’re both wearing vampire shirts. Go figure.

In discussing the event on Facebook the other day, Amy said that if she could, she would do this and asked me to do this for her. Amy has several health issues- ones that no one in their 70’s should have to deal with, let alone anyone our age. She never whines or asks “Why me?”, she always faces everything head-on with a wicked sense of humor. Her asking me to do this for her became a mission and an honor- I am healthy and able to do this, so I needed to do it twice as much. Let me tell you…I did. I ran, I walked, I climbed, I rolled around in mud and got soaking wet. I knew I didn’t sign up for this to stay clean or rush through it, especially not since I was doing it for two. Like I told you, Amy- this mud’s for you. I hope you enjoy these pics and see how kickass you did and how much fun you had. We were awesome together. And you can be a mean and demanding bitch- I didn’t want to climb that cargo net but I was sick of hearing you call me names in my head….

This is my friend Matt. Please note, he has the best seat in the house on the way to the event if I must say…HA! Matt is one of my BFF’s. Saturday, he was off work and could have done 100 other things, but he chose to spend the day cheering all us on. Plus he ain’t stupid- watching thousands of women rolling around in mud and water?? Pffft…..he’s got this!

 Here’s Miranda, Beth, me & Olivia, Warrior Style.

These are the registration tents. Remember- almost 7,000 competitors staged in 15 minute waves.

Talk about fellas that support their ladies- this is the Titty Titty Bang Bang Clean-Up Crew!

 You better call the vet because these puppies are SICK! Didn’t know there was a gun show in town, eh?

(I kill me, really)

This is my BFF Laura. She always says that I run with scissors and she follows behind to keep them sharp. When I asked her to do this, there was no hesitation because she knows that my insane ideas haven’t gotten us killed (yet) so she was all in.

Even brought her daughter Sara to participate, too!!

 Laura is also a Zumba instructor…we can spot each other easily.

 Here’s one of the obstacles we could see from the start- I love this pic because it looks like cupcakes on a string.

Here we are, ready to rumble! We were on a team, MUDder’s Finest, but technically we were split in 2 divisions of that team. I’ll talk more about that in a bit and you’ll get it.

 This is Tammi, we’ve known each other…sheesh, almost 20 years too? Again, there’s more to the MUDder’s Finest story and I’ll get there. Now…Tammi was nervous. At the start line, she still wasn’t 100% about what she was about to do. Kept saying “I’ve never done anything like this before!!” There’s more about Tammi later as well to sum up her day….

Joni & Beth in beastmode…

STARTING LINE!! Here’s the entire Mudder’s Finest team on the left- hot pink shirts and safari invasion!!

Shara ain’t playin’- look at her, ready to roll!!

 BAM- WE’RE OFF!!

Check them out- this is Shara, Tammi and Laura- Shara and Laura are runners and Tammi is right there with them. Shara should also be a running magazine model- look at that face!!

 This right here is one of my fave pics- Shara and Laura. Now, when I said we were on a team and it was semi-divided, this is why- Laura asked me to do the Dirty Girl because she said it sounded like something I would love (spot-on, sistah) and in an effort to get Tammi to sign-up. I’m all about a group effort/intimidation to get someone to do something. I joined their team, MUDder’s Finest, and then recruited my friends to join, too. So our team was semi-divided just because of who knows who/logistics, not by lack of team spirit! So Laura….I can’t than you enough for asking me to join and for letting me and my peeps crash your party. If it wasn’t for you, I’d have probably not heard about this until it was too late- can’t thank you enough and oh yes ma’am…we’ll be doing this again next year!!

 The course was set-up in a switchback style- as in, wide open field roped off kind of like a waiting line cue. You can see that behind us here.

HOLLA! Maybe halfway through here!

Check out Laura, #397, getting’ tired!

HAAAAAAAAAA GAWD I LOVE Joni!

Beth & Joni, truckin’ along, truckin’ along….

Pausin’ for a pic…

I LOVE this pic of Tammi!!

Now….my kryptonite is heights. We had already climbed a wall earlier in the race, about 10ft., and it about did me in. The only way to get over it was to try to step/climb on the 2” boards placed on the wall about 3ft. apart from each other. Short person’s nightmare. However….there was a 3ft, 5ft and 10ft. section of wall you could go over. We ALL went over the 10ft. section. Oh yes ma’am. Go big o go home, I say!! Then we get to this….cargo net. 20ft. high, up and over. My legs were shaking so hard that I was afraid I was vibrating everyone else off the net.

I’m at the top with Robin, Beth is already over. Thanks to the 2 of them talking me over, I did it!! I have to say if it weren’t for Amy screaming at me in my head and for my peeps talking me through, there’s a damn good chance I’d have walked around this one. Jeeeeebus.

Comin’ up to the end!!

Now…remember Tammi Who-Was-Nervous, Tammi Who-Was-Scared? Check out Tammi. Ahem. Looks like she got over it, eh, being she tackled Laura into the pit???

We. Did. It. I wish we could’ve gotten everyone all together, but it was like herding cats with that many people. Regardless- everyone I know that came FINISHED. And didn’t die. BONUS!!

This is another fave pic- I SOOOO wish you could see the look on Robin’s face!!! Wait, you can. Just look at mine and Olivia’s face. Same thing.

Matt became a stuff-hauler for us being that the place where you could stow your bags was full and walking back to the car wasn’t an option.

Thanks again, Matt!!

This is Robin- it was her idea that we wear zebra print leggings. She said “I don’t care how huge my ass looks in them, I think we should.” Rock on, Robin- this was a genius idea and fun to wear!! And again…WE DID IT!!

Dirty….I said I didn’t come out to play to stay clean, dammit.

I totally understand this.

This is the shoe donation area- there’s a company that picks up alllll the shoes, cleans them up and ships them out all over the world to places where shoes are a luxury. This is about 1:30pm- this event went on ALL DAY- I can’t imagine what this pile looked like at 5pm!!

Dirty little secret: I LOVE to do laundry. Doing this event was exciting because….I’d have a laundry challenge. I know, I KNOW, my weirdness knows no bounds. I am happy to report that my clothes came clean….because I am just that awesome.

Now if you’re trying to figure out how I did this AND got all these great pics, this is why- my sweet boyfriend, Donavan, was our cameraman and stuff-hauler. He and Matt and another friend carried our stuff, schlepped all over the course, went in restricted areas to get pics of all of us for me. I couldn’t be more grateful to have all these memories made permanent thanks to D.

(I’ve said ‘boyfriend’ TWICE in 3 weeks. Yes, I am aware. Shut up.)

Check out the t-shirt and necklace we got- the t-shirt has the names of all the obstacles. This necklace is now my most prized piece of jewelry, too.

This image from the Dirty Girl website says it all. Sure, some of the proceeds went to breast cancer research. By me participating in this, I didn’t cure cancer, create world peace, solve our debt crisis or end world hunger. I can’t begin to tell you the absolute sense of accomplishment I have had since doing this. Me. I DID that. My friends- they DID that. It is an incredible feeling to do something that you would never anticipate you ever would. Today as I write this, I am sore all over, like I have been beaten with a bag of frozen oranges. But I can’t quit grinning like a jackass eating briars as I think about this experience. The only thing that stops most folks from doing anything is their own fear- don’t be afraid- get out there and do something. If you have your health and mobility, don’t EVER take it for granted and don’t waste a minute with excuses. Everybody dies but not everybody lives- don’t miss a minute, kids.

We did it, Amy!!

Warm Fuzzy Runs….ahhhh….

No, this is not about furry diarrhea- it’s Fuzz Run eve coupled with fab memories and a very special anniversary!

The Fuzz Run is a 5k in my town that benefits the Police Who Care fund-a local charity that provides assistance to local families. This is their 29th annual race. Every year, it gets bigger and bigger with sponsorship and participants. This race is near & dear to my heart because this is the first 5k I ever participated in. Since 2006, I’ve done it every year. Except last year. More on that in a second….

My friend Melanie & I were on an exercise kick in 2005 & 2006. When time for the Fuzz Run rolled around, we (I) decided we should do this. What do we have to lose? What’s the worst that could happen? Mind you- neither one of us were runners (and still aren’t- I hate running. HATE IT.) So we signed up, showed up and finished it. This is where my CSF formula was created:

*Commit
*Show up
*Finish it

CSF.

We completed the race in less than an hour and had a BLAST doing it. Afterwards, the sense of accomplishment was so fab- we DID that. On purpose. Mind you, there were people who finished in less than 20 minutes. We looked for the boat from Kenya that surely brought them there, but never found it.

Since then, I’ve done the Fuzz Run every year and several other 5k’s. I have several blogs about ‘The Number K’ as I call it, I need to get them posted. Anyway, I love doing 5k’s even though I don’t run because it gives me a sense of pride in myself and every race is an achievement. I also like using my power of persuasion to get other people into trying at least one so they too can know what it feels like. If you’re reading this and have never done one, you should too. If you are able bodied, what’s stopping you? 99 & 44/100th % of the time, the only thing that stops us from doing something is ourselves. So stop that and get started doing something.

I mentioned earlier that I missed last years Fuzz Run. I do not miss this race. EVER. EH-VER. But, I had to make an exception last year. I had a wedding to go to. Actually, I had a wedding to perform…yeah. Me. Reverend Colley.

In 2010, introduced 2 friends of mine, Wade & Diana, to each other, as friends. No matchmaker, hidden-cupid-agenda or anything. I knew I liked them both, therefore, they should (had damn well better) like each other.From the get-go…Wade was allll goo-goo over Diana. However, Diana viewed Wade as a friend. I listened to how much Wade adored Diana and listened to how much Diana adored Wade. As a friend. *sigh*

I patiently and quietly joined Team Wade. I never told him this, though. I’m subtle like that. By joining this team, this meant I was going to ever-so-smoothly keep selling Wade to Diana and hoped she’d catch on. Every time Diana would say how she just didn’t like him like that, I would counter (smoothly) with how crazy he was about her and how famously they got along or (not-so-smoothly) ask “Are you stupid or something? Stevie Wonder could see that you guys are a match made in heaven!”

Months passed and finally, FINALLY…Diana caught on…and realized she loved that short man right back and as much as he loved her. BAZINGA! I felt like Ralphie when he opened that Red Ryder!!

Things were fast-forward then- seemed like they maybe went on one date since declaring their mutual like, then within a week, Diana had a beautiful ring (He went to Jared’s!!) and wedding plans were being made.

They chose September 10th, 2011 at noon. Get it? 9/10/11 @ 12. Pretty fab, eh? They also asked ME to officiate and marry them. *gulp* They said without me introducing them, they’d have never met, fell and love or be getting married.

Like I could argue THAT and say no. Way to grab me by my girl-nuts. Sheesh.

So…I became an ordained minister for the occasion- Wade & Diana lovingly referred to me as Rabbi Colley. They managed to keep their roars of laughter down in the courthouse when they got their marriage license and my title was listed as “Minister of the Gospel”.

9-10-11 at 12:00 was a beautiful day at their place at the lake. I was nervous. She Who Talks Much was damn near stuttering. However, I didn’t write anything down- I totally went from the hip for the ceremony, trusting He would give me all the right words to say to do right by them. I’ve been told I did. It was a nervous blur and as thrilled and honored as I was to be in that position, I was even more thrilled I didn’t projectile vomit in their beaming faces.9-10-12 is right around the corner- Wade & Diana’s first wedding anniversary. I always wish people on their wedding day to be as happy the rest of their lives as they are right then. These kids have not only met but exceeded that so far. These were 2 people who had given up hope of finding true love and were settled into singledom. To see them come together, wide-open and embrace that opportunity again…? Well, it makes even my hard ass a little mushy. You guys still gag me though with all your sappy bullshit- know this.

Tomorrow, I’ll be doing the Fuzz Run with Diana. I’ll get to see so many of my friends and rehash all my fond memories of this race, make new ones, and most of all- cherish why missing my first Fuzz Run in five years was the best thing to ever happen to me.

Happy Anniversary, Frick & Frack. You give me hope and a cavity. I love you guys.

Happy Fuzz Run to all my peeps- good luck and happy running/walking. See ya there!!

**********************************************************************

UPDATE!!

I just wrote this, but I need to add some stuffs…

Diana said that the Fuzz Run was going to be her & Wade’s anniversary tradition. Unfortunately, he had to work  for this years race. So, Diana wore his number as well for the race. This is what marriage is- you don’t NOT do something because your partner can’t- you go an do it doubly-good and represent for both of you. FYI Wade- she KILLED it this year!! You bettah eat your Wheaties for next year…

This is my dear friend Vanessa- we’ve known each other 22 years- we worked together at Kroger. Now Vanessa is a source of inspiration for SOOOO MANY. As in this race? She had just gotten off work after a 12 hour overnight shift AND made her best time today. She does this several times a month, races all over, is ALWAYS on the go doing something. She gets it- life waits for no one- you better take every minute you have and live yours. Love you much, ‘Nessa- you always keep me going because I know you’d never take a pause!

You are such a blessing to everyone that knows you, girl.

These folks had a booth set up- LOVE THEIR STUFF!! One More Mile Running Apparel– they have fab shirts, car magnets, sweatbands, etc. All sorts of fun, quality stuff that is actually affordable. Check them out- I did, that’s where I got this awesome shirt. I don’t know if it’ll work for you, but I got my fastest time EVER today and even RAN some. I HATE running. Good shirt juju? I dunno….may be worth a shot. I’ll be a repeat customer fo sho.

Click the pic to go to their Facebook page!

Eat the Damn Cake!

I wrote this 4/16/2012. At that time, I was writing  the Health & Fitness section for an online magazine. I had originally titled this “Off the Beaten Path” because for my role there, this was- had nothing to do with health & fitness. I have since titled it appropriately.
I’m making this my first official post because so many people enjoyed it and shared it, and I had a request for it again Friday. So here it is- I hope all of you that read this will eat the damn cake every chance you get- you never know when it may be your last chance.

Many Moons Ago:

December of 1997 was our 3^rd wedding anniversary. My husband and I were young and didn’t have much money, but wanted to do something to celebrate it. We decided to go into Atlanta and spend the night. We got to Atlanta and decided we’d go to Helen, it wasn’t much further. In the scheme of that, we thought we’ll go to Chattanooga, Tennessee because, well, it wasn’t too much further and we’d never been there. Upon arriving in Chattanooga, we saw a sign for Nashville and it was ON. Couple hours further and the capital of country music? Why not?

We made it to Nashville and had a great evening and night. The next morning, we were off to the Country Music Hall of Fame and other sights before heading home. We stopped at this little run-down diner for breakfast, off the main stream, locally owned. Now if you know anything about eatin’ good, these are the places you look for. If it looks like the health department should have shut them down 5 years ago, it’s guaranteed to be some of the best food you’ll ever have. It was about 8am and the smells of all things breakfast met us at the door. We sat at the counter because the place was packed. Next to my husband at the counter was an absolutely delicious-looking homemade cake. Thick, white, icing that was smeared on the plate and half up the walls of the glass cover. Huge strawberries sliced on top, dripping down the sides. I’m not a fan of strawberries but I wouldn’t have minded falling face first in it.

We had a wonderful breakfast and my husband said “I really want a piece of that cake.” I told him he should, why not? We went back and forth about whether or not to have the cake, me hoping he would so I could have a bite. Needless to say, he didn’t have a slice of that cake. That experience was always brought up during the entire time we were married. Something would come up and we’d blame it on the fact that he didn’t have the cake. Life happens as it does, we’ve since divorced, but I know I could call him now and ask him about the cake in Nashville and he’d know exactly what I was talking about and say he should’ve had the damn cake.

 Not So Long Ago:

It was my Mom’s birthday and we made plans to visit the Georgia Aquarium for our first visit since it opened. They had a Titanic artifact exhibit at the same time, so I was SUPER excited. Mom, Ethan and I went and it was a great time- if you ever visit our city, do visit the aquarium. Anywho, we got to the part where you could touch all sorts of creatures- sharks, stingrays, horseshoe crabs, etc. Ethan and I are elbow-deep, molesting all these beings as they swam by and I notice my Mom AKA Betty just standing there watching. I told her to roll up her sleeves and get a handful of these things- when would you ever get the chance to again? And she did- all three of us were reaching in and touching all these amazing sea creatures- a little scary and strange, but really cool to do.

This Weekend:

My boyfriend (for those who know me well, yes, I just said it and you all need to shut-up about it, I had to say it for the artistic capacity of the story, dammit) had bought me/us tickets for Valentine’s Day for the Mass Chaos tour- Godsmack, Halestorm & Staind. Google them for the kind of music they play and put in earplugs first. Just a warning. Anyway, we have been SO EXCITED about this show! The night we were going was opening night of the tour in Augusta, Georgia- about 2 hours from us. We got a hotel room, got off work early and were good to go. I assumed we were coming home Saturday after checkout. The Boyfriend had other plans and informed me we wouldn’t be coming home until Sunday…..hmm…..which I should know by now that he is ALWAYS up to something, like, he likes me and whatnot. So odd.

We ended up in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina by Saturday afternoon. Beer never tastes as good as it does when your butt is in the sand and the sun is on your face. If you like beer, you know EXACTLY what I just said here. We had a fab seafood buffet dinner, ate crab legs like refugees. I am a HUGE KISS fan and the point of this jaunt was to take me to the KISS Coffeehouse at Broadway at the Beach in Myrtle Beach. Now, I still can’t comprehend what the hell KISS and coffee have to do with one another, but man, what a cool little place and a great surprise. Sunday, we got up, hit the beach and pools for a minute, checked out, headed back to Broadway at the Beach to see some more shops and goof off before the ride home which is about 5-6 hours. The ride home stretched out into 7ish due to road construction. We had a great time and packed in a buttload of stuff in less than 48 hours.

Right Now:

I typically work on my article here on Saturday/Sunday mornings, usually take a couple hours to pound out all the words in my head, add pics, etc. I had kinda-sorta started my article earlier in the week for this week, but it was nowhere near finished. I spent this weekend with the pressure in my head that ohhhhhh GAAAAAH Monday is publish time, we had Easter week off and here I am with NOTHING because my own life got in the way? I just couldn’t wrap up what I had intended because this weekend really made me think about a lot of things. Such as, who leaves on a Friday afternoon and comes home Sunday, 600 miles later with several cities visited, several sights seen, lots of pics taken, memories made and doing things because I may not ever get to do them again? I do.

It has always stuck in my head to have the damn cake. Pet the sea monsters when you can. Do something because you have never done it before, don’t be afraid of what people will say. Who cares if it’s 9am? Have the cake. Who cares if you’re almost 70 years old? Touch the stingray. I needed to mow the grass and clean house this weekend- it’s right here waiting on me, just like I left it. Work, school, bills, cleaning, laundry, etc., all these obligations we all have are going to be there when you get home. When you have the chance to step outside your everyday life, do it. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and you may not ever get the chance to have a do-over, to go back to a place and have things be like they are at the very moment you are there, The Now. Now is over as soon as you walk away, blink. Make every minute count. I don’t have much money and nobody I know ever has enough time- make the most of both. Invest your time more wisely than you do your money. You can always find a way to make a buck, but when a minute has passed….it’s gone for good. I like to say that I live so when I am old and in a nursing home, I’m sure I’ll hear people talk about their lives and say “Boy, I sure wish I’d have done this-that-the other.” I want to be that crazy-ass old lady that says “Hey- I DID do this-that-the other, let me tell you all about it….” This is why I take lots of pictures of EVERYTHING. Someday, pictures are going to be all I have. My memory may get fuzzy, but pictures won’t let me forget. I am trying to teach my son this lifestyle too- it’s called living. And it’s good.

I hope when presented to you, I hope that you all have the cake, touch a shark and have a sand crusted beer. You’ll be surprised at how good those moments feel and good Lord willing, you’ll never forget them and have many of them to remember.

Eat the damn cake. Trust me on this.

Speaking of cake, check out the Sunflower cake I made for Easter….

Ya Knowed It Was a Comin’…Does It Sound Like a Train?

I’m yay-close to being back in action, kids. New computer is on the way and then….the world is MINE! <insert evil grin here>